He Understands

Words seem to elude me.  I cannot seem to express what is going on inside of me as a result of the past few months.  I keep thinking “I’ll just wait until I’m in a better place emotionally to blog about this”.  But that doesn’t seem very honest.  I have always sought to be transparent here, and although I’m now very cautious about doing so, transparency still seems to be the best policy.

So many of you have asked me what happened and I have been waiting until I can separate myself emotionally from all that occurred, but that is not happening.  I find myself becoming more and more distrustful of people, wanting to hide away from everyone and everything, having a hard time thinking about investing in relationships anymore.  And that isn’t good.

I know that God created us all, as the body of Christ, for each other.  The spiritual gifts that He has bestowed on Chris and me tell us that He particularly wants us involved in people’s lives.  And I can’t very well be involved in people’s lives if I am hiding in my home.

Several of you have asked what happened, and why we had to move.  I can’t go into all the details, but maybe this will help you understand a little better the path God allowed us to walk these past several months.

When Chris lost his job at the end of August, we knew that God was opening up a door for us to move into some kind of ministry.  We prayed sincerely for His will and He led us to become house parents at a children’s home in Arizona.  We have had many kids come into our home and our hearts over the years, and we were excited to invite more in.  We were told that they simply wanted us to raise these boys like we would raise our own.  And so we jumped in wholeheartedly with both feet.

We loved being house parents to the ten boys we had, plus our own four.  They received hugs, love , prayers, time in God’s Word and more love.  We began to see, though, where our convictions about raising children didn’t line up with the philosophy of the home, and so at the end of January, when we shared this with them, they told us they felt it was time for us to move on.  So many unexpected things transpired over the weeks that followed, that it still seems so surreal.

My heart and mind have played reruns of these events over and over and over.  I’ve asked God what I did wrong, what I could have done different, what I would do the same…   But in my heart, I know that we spoke the truth with a sincere heart.  When we had our 90 day review, we completely expected that some good dialogue would come out of our questions.  We truly believed that we would be able to work together to find what God’s Word said about our concerns.  We did not do it out of spite, or a sense of “our way is the only way” or to stir up trouble.  We did it because we love those ten boys {that will forever have a place in our hearts, and a home if they should ever need it}, we want what is best for them, and most of all, we wanted to be true to the convictions that God has given us.

God used those circumstances to move us from Arizona to Roach, Missouri.  My parents work here at a missionary training center, and they have graciously shared their home with us.  Chris is still looking for a job.  He has put in applications here in Missouri and in Indiana, but has found temporary work here in Camdenton while he awaits a more permanent position.  He has had moments of discouragement, but for the most part has demonstrated great faith and confidence that God has a plan for us.  The way that he has loved me and comforted me in the midst of my tears and doubts has been absolutely precious to me.

The boys are settled in their new schools and really liking it.  They have plenty of space to play outdoors here.  They get to play walleyball and soccer every week. They are making friends and feeling like this is home.  We’ve had several sharing times around the table after dinner, (that we lovingly refer to as “Walton moments”) where the boys have been able to share some of the issues they are working through.  I think these times are so good for them.  It is safe place for them to work out all that is in their hearts.

I spend my days quietly.  My parents spend a lot of time down at their office, and now that the boys are in school and Chris is at work, I have the house to myself.  I’ve been working on sorting and backing up all the pictures on my computer.  And I usually make lunch for my mom and dad and myself.  I spend some time reading every day, which has been really nice.  My back has been pretty bad since I overdid it while packing and moving.  It is hard to not be able to do all the things that I would love to do, but I am slowly getting better as I am being careful and wise about what I do.

I have really enjoyed getting to cook for my family again, and have been taking advantage of the cool days to make lots of soups, which we didn’t really eat a lot of while we were in Arizona.  Today, William turns 16, and he requested quite the birthday meal.  His meal is starting with an appetizer of nice olives and roast garlic with crusty bread.  Then we’ll eat lobster and shrimp fettuccine with roasted Brussels sprouts on the side, with sparkling apple juice to drink.  Followed by flan for dessert, and then a movie together as a family.  I love getting to have special meals like this one, and I really enjoy taking care of my family by preparing meals for them!

I am very thankful that God is a patient God.  I am not angry at Him, and I do believe that He is sovereign.  I believe that He used some circumstances out of our control to move us, and His reasons are (as of right now) His own.  He will share them with us in His perfect time.

Right now, I am okay with being alone.  I have been blessed with so many dear and wonderful friends.  True and honest friends.  Friends that I can count on being honest with me, and friends that have proven that they are who they say they are.  I think I would be completely content if I never had to meet a new person again.  I just want to stick with the people that I know and love.  The ones that I know are trustworthy.  I just don’t know that I can trust my judgment.  I’m afraid I will trust the wrong person, or that I will love someone, only to have that person cut off from me.

This is the struggle of my heart right now.  There are so many Truths and Promises that my mind knows, but my heart is just a bit wounded and is lagging behind, trying to catch up.  I know that it will heal in time, and my mind and my heart will be in one accord.

Until then, I am completely at His mercy and just living one day at a time.  I often can’t even find the words I want to say to Him, but when I can’t find the words to explain the hurt, the betrayal, the confusion, and the weariness, I remember who I am talking to.

And I remember that He, more than anyone else, truly does understand.

And today, resting in that is enough for me.

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Author: Nichole

There are so many things about life that I want to share with my children, and this is simply my way to collect everything in one place.

9 thoughts on “He Understands”

  1. Thank you, Nichole, for sharing your heart ~ we continue to lift your family before the Lord, trusting He is meeting you at your point of need. Please continue to let us know how we can be praying! I think of the underneath of the tapestry ~ here on earth ~ all the “mess” and how absolutely beautiful it is from above! God knows what is best for us! Continuing to trust His heart with you!

    1. Thank you, Katie! I truly appreciate your prayers-all the ways you have reached out to us. I will definitely keep you “in the loop”. I truly appreciate your sincere love.
      Thank you for the beautiful analogy. I can’t wait to see this tapestry from heaven’s side! : )

      1. Missing you all still so much. Yes Our God is big but knowing you have friends and family is priceless.
        What a precious time for you right now having quiet, alone time. It sounds like you are using it wisely. Quiet time to hear His small, still voice.
        My love goes out to you all

  2. We miss your family greatly but Im glad to see that things are turning around for your family. I am also so happy to see that you are finding peace in your heart and mind by trusting in our loving Father and Lord. My friend, we have talked a bit about my families move and the hardships we faced but Friend, peace will come in time, trust in others will get easier. Continue to find solace and strength in God and it will get easier. We love you and should you find yourself out our way again please feel free to stop in and say Hi. Love, Randie

    1. I hope you know what a blessing you are to those in your life! Thank you for opening your heart and home to me…it makes me smile to think of our giggling, and crying and sharing our hearts on those Tuesday nights. Give Marti a hug from me, okay? Love you!

  3. Nicole~ I can’t tell by your blog if it is the situation in Arizona that put you in such a funk or an accumulation of many bad relationships. I never guessed you to be the type to get so down. You and Chris have an amazing relationship and your parenting skills has been proven with your own children. Sometimes life’s lessons are hard. Sometimes we don’t think we’ll ever recover. But, with God’s grace when we come out on the other side we are stronger than ever. Hold on. Use your quiet time as an opportunity to draw you strength and insight directly from the Lord. Be still and know that I am God. I clung to that verse in my own valleys of darkness. He will carry you through and you will emerge victorious and prepared for His next adventure.

    1. This post was not prompted by an accumulation of bad relationships. I have been blessed in the friendships I have. And you are right-I am not usually one to get so down. But, the experience we went through was one that I needed to go through to give me a more well-rounded view of what human nature can be like, and I am thankful for it. My prayer is that I will be able to encourage others going through similar situations. And God has proven Himself faithful over and over, supplying the right promise, the right word, the right touch. Thank you for sharing those wise words!

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