Lord, I don’t even know what to write.
I feel like I owe an explanation to those who read my blog. And yet, I don’t know how to put into words what has been going on inside of me this past month. Help!!
Hi, friends! It is bright and early, and this is only the second day that I have been awake before 8:00 am. Very unlike the usual me, but that was the me of this past month. After being sick and being in bed during those weeks, I think it took a toll on my back and caused a flare up of inflammation. A lot of pain. I would stay in bed after I woke up, laying on the heating pad, and giving my medicine a chance to kick in, in order to be able to move about and get ready for the day. And then, I would usually get back into bed with my heating pad.
I don’t know exactly what happened, or how, but I found myself on a downwards cycle. I was so very sad and discouraged about this chronic back pain, I was emotionally exhausted from trying to do things I wasn’t meant to do, I was mentally weary with trying to find a house for us to move into, and I was a wreck physically.
One morning, I didn’t pick up my Bible to read. I talked to God a lot that day, and for the next several days. I listened to Him. I received encouragement in the form of Scripture and true words from friends and family, but I didn’t “invest” in my relationship with God. I stopped reading and studying His Word. I became more and more discouraged, and found myself in this cycle.
It wasn’t like I was mad at God. I think I just wasn’t “feeling” His love for me and decided subconsciously that maybe watching a show on Netflix, or reading a book would get my mind off the pain and sickness and all the unknown.
Knowing what God says about the human nature, it shouldn’t surprise me, but….
it’s hard to admit that as much as I love Him and His Word, and as much as I believe that only by being with Him and in His Word can I have true peace, that I allowed a lie to reign over me for such a long time.
My mom sent me a blog post one day. The gist of it being that rest is grace, it is a gift from God. We cannot work to deserve rest. (Seriously, people, this is huge for me. Very goal oriented here.)
On that day, God began to tug at my heart and ask me to come back and read again His letter to me. His love letter to me.
It has been several days since that day, and I have not spent much time in His Word. But, God has continued to remind me that He does indeed love me. That the good that He has planned for me is not necessarily easy. But He does love me. Asking me to please believe it, and to let Him tell me about it. To teach me and revive my soul.
Because He loves me.
A few things have happened in the past few days which have jolted me into reality.
First, I had started taking some natural supplements to see if that would reduce the inflammation in my body. I really think this is working. It’s not completely gone, by any means, but along with the other things that I take, I’ve actually had moments in the past couple of days that I am pain-free!!
Secondly, we received a phone call about potential foster children. That certainly woke me up. It turns out that we didn’t get any one yet, but it something that God used to “revive” me. More like shock treatment, actually!
Thirdly, we had Life Group at our house this past Friday. It did my heart good to be with friends that I love and that love Jesus and simply want to follow Him. I was humbled by the prayer of the newest Christ-follower in our group, who started out praying by praising and worshiping God for who He is, and what He has done for us.
Fourthly, we started a series on God’s love for us at church. The time of worship through singing was a balm to my soul. A hug for my heart.
I believe I can say with David,
“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me.” 2 Samuel 22:17-20
My heart leaps when I read those words!
Maybe this post will disappoint you, maybe not. But I felt it was unfair to pretend that this past month didn’t happen and that all was normal and well. I believed a lie. I don’t think I was conscious of that at the beginning, but if I had picked up my Bible on those first days, I’m sure He would have pointed it out.
I had moments of great encouragement and very many moments of deep sadness and sobbing.
I do believe that there is a spacious place before me. I imagine a space like on the opening scene of The Sounds of Music, when Maria is singing without her wimple…The dark crevices of last month (I’m imagining the Dimholt Road of Return of the Kings) are right behind me, though, and I don’t want to turn around and run back in there. Why anyone would do that, I do not know. But I know myself well enough to admit that I sometimes, so many times, make really foolish decisions.
I will take it one day at a time. One moment at a time, if necessary. I’m hoping that being in the fresh air and sunshine of God’s love will revive me and remind me who I am to God. That my relationship with Him really does matter to Him. He really does love me.
So, I’m not sure if this is what you wanted to hear, but it’s my heart. Thanks for hearing it out!!