Friday, February 15th, 2013 10:58am
Lord, I wish I were sitting, or even walking, through Maywood right now. I think my heart needs the beauty and I think my body needs the fresh air. The past couple of days have been a downright battle. Struggling with whatever is going on inside of me. A vicious cycle that I need to get out of, but how?
I’m sure I’ve gone through this before, but I am a slow learner. Thick-headed. I need to learn how to live with chronic pain. Would I wish it all away if I could? I don’t know. I hate living with the pain, I’m tired of living with the pain. I don’t know how to do it. But, if the pain is what is pushing me towards you, then I need it. But, really? Couldn’t there be an easier way?
There are so many questions and thoughts running around in my head right now. And a lot of them, I can’t write here, because I’m afraid that I would hurt someone’s feelings or offend someone. No negative thoughts about anyone else, but thoughts about who I am, who did You create me to be. Seriously, I am trying to figure that out.
On one hand, I wonder if it really matters. A part of me says, “just suck it up and do what comes your way.” But when handfuls of stuff come my way every day, am I supposed to do it all? I know my family is supposed to be my priority, but they haven’t been. Lord, forgive me for not even seeing that is what I was doing. Other things that take my energy, and then here I am, out of energy way before my day is done. I am headed to bed two hours before the kids are done with their day, simply because I have nothing left. Physically or emotionally.
So, what is draining my energy? I really do think it is because I am not being true to how you put me together. But is it right to take that into account? Am I supposed to think about that when I am picking and choosing what to do or what not to do?
You know I am confused. I’m sure You know better than me why my pain is affecting me the way that it is. I know that You understand it, even though I don’t. What do I need? I love that You brought Sunny into my life, into my heart. Our conversation yesterday was so encouraging to me, and her one simple suggestion “why don’t you get some fresh air?” has started me thinking about You and this vicious cycle that I am in. I just appreciate that she understands, and knows that there are no answers that will make it better. Even as I was reading “The Secret Garden”, it took her comment to make me understand what steps I can take to get out of this cycle.
In some ways, it seems so silly that this is what is bogging me down, when I am looking towards Your crucifixion and sacrifice. But I want to be real with You. I can’t pretend, You see my heart. And so somehow, I know that You will use all of this in my life, and You will show Yourself to me, and You will awe me and amaze me with Your love, Your mercy and Your grace.
“That is why the LORD says, Turn to me now, while there is time. Give me your hearts. Come with fasting, weeping and mourning.
Don’t tear your clothing in your grief, but tear your hearts instead. Return to the LORD, your God, for He is merciful and compassionate,
slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. He is eager to relent and not punish. Who knows?
Perhaps He will give you a reprieve, sending you a blessing instead of a curse.” Joel 2:12-14
“Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.” Matthew 6:21
“I will praise the Lord at all times. I will constantly speak His praises. I will boast only in the Lord; let all who are helpless take heart.
Come, let us tell of the Lord’s greatness, let us exalt His name together. I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me. He freed me from all
my fears. Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.” Psalm 34:1-5
“Does anyone want to live a life that is long and prosperous? Then keep y0ur tongue from speaking evil
and your lips from telling lies! Turn away from evil and do good.”
“Search for peace, and work to maintain it…The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.” Psalm 34:12-13, 18-19
“Before daybreak the next morning, Jesus got up and went out to an isolated place to pray.” Mark 1:35
“But Jesus replied, ‘We must go on to other towns as well, and I will preach to them, too. That is why I came.” Mark 1:38
Lord, please help me to fill in these blanks. I want to be like You.
I must__________, and I will__________, too. That is why I am here.