I have had a conflict within me whether or not to write at this time in my life.
A couple of weeks ago, I spoke with a friend about my insistence that my blog be “real” and “transparent”. I want every person who reads anything I write to be able to align it with what they know about me-in no way omitting or adding anything that doesn’t give one a whole picture.
On Thanksgiving Day, I was sharing with another friend about some things that I’ve been struggling with…and then we started talking about blogging. I realized, as were sitting there, that by not writing about the hard stuff, although it wasn’t my intent at all, that I am not being transparent by “retreating” during this season.
I would never want to leave any “conversation” without it being said that God is sufficient for all my needs. And that, my friends, was the rub. I have been struggling with deep sadness and I confess, almost a hopelessness.
The month of November has been one of continual physical pain for me. I thought it was kidney stones, but my doctor doesn’t believe that is the case. She wants to do more tests…colonoscopy and a scope down my stomach (oh, goodie…..NOT!) I have chronic low back pain, which reduces me, many times, to tears. The pain medication I take for that doesn’t nearly deal with the pain…resulting in many sleepless nights.
She wants to delay the colonoscopy and scope (not sure why…I was really tired and confused yesterday) but gave me vicodin for the back and flank pain, so at least I could sleep. Before I took it, I seemed to vaguely remember that maybe this was the medicine that actually kept me awake, rather than allowing me the good night’s sleep that my doctor was aiming for.
I remembered correctly. I was up all night.
So, this morning I woke up in a not-so-hopeful state. I know deep within me that God is good. He has a plan to shape me into the image of His Son….and I ask Him continually to do whatever it takes to change me, to make me a woman that reflects His glory. And here I am, trying to bail on His plan. Oh, me of little faith!
As I was getting the boys started on their school day, still feeling very discouraged, I started checking my emails. An email from my mom had this in the subject line…”worth taking some moments”. Before I had a chance to open the email, I also decided that I needed to take the time to post on here about what’s going on in my life.
We have a comfy chair right next to our bed, and it is quiet and peaceful. (well, it would be more peaceful if the bed was made. But, at least it’s quiet) I sat down and opened the email and found a song that she had sent out. As I watched and listened, my eyes filled with tears. At the words, Jehovah-Shalom, the tears spilled over.
I cannot help but be reminded, as I listen to the words of this song, that it is no small thing that this same God…Almighty God…loves me.
He is bigger and more powerful than words can describe, most amazing…and yet I woke this morning “in despair”. In the movie, Anne of Green Gables, Marilla tells Anne that “to despair is to turn your back on God”. I agree.
There is no way that one can be face to face with our God and feel despair. As I stand in front of Him and acknowledge these names to be accurate descriptions, I am filled with many different emotions. None of them being despair.
Humility. Hope. Strength. Comfort. Servitude. Thrill. Tenderly loved. Unworthy. Grateful. Exposed. Victorious. Safe. Overwhelmed. These things I felt. But despair, no.
That is not the way of Jehovah-Shalom…God, my peace.
He is more than all that my heart will ever need. And I only need to take my eyes off myself and fix them on Him to realize that once again.
Lord, I worship You with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. Whatever You need to do to make me reflect You…please do Your work in me. I am Your little lump of clay, and I am thrilled that You even saw fit to set me on Your potter’s wheel and shape me. Thank you for choosing me.